Never a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride

To all of those people who are getting married or who are recently married and are mentioned in this blog please take this entry with a grain of salt and understand that I wrote it in the utmost of good humor.

I have been watching several shows lately that have been intimating, I would hope ironically or in jest, that people in this society assume that every woman they meet wants to get married. And this wouldn’t bother me SO much as an assumption, however false, except that it seems that they think that ALL a woman wants to do is get married. Not that marriage is A goal, but it is THE goal. The ultimate. As if to say that women might have lesser dreams, but in the end they will have reached their final “yes, thank god” in life once they are married. After that they have no more to aspire to.

Like that Ally McBeal episode where Portia DiRossi’s character shocks two of the men in the office by saying she never wanted to get married. At the time, I think it shocked me, too (oh how much I have learned since then). Of course, what I like about this is that the men seemed to be more shocked because of their own desire for marriage than that it was just something that women were supposed to want. But none the less – this is my point – people think it’s something women are supposed to want.

Now this may have been so at one time, but in this day and age such an assumption seems laughable. I personally don’t know if I want to get married. However I do like the idea of sharing your life with someone, of making your way in life together with someone you love. And get to have sex with. Hopefully a lot. But if I do take a deep look at myself and say – yes – indeed – yes, I would love to get married one day, it’s anything but an ultimate goal. Not to diminish the importance, the magnitude, of marriage. It’s a big deal and should be treated as such. But it’s not all I want to do. It doesn’t burn through every fiber of my being. What does burn through me like a lit unquenchable fire is that I AM GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD. I will do this regardless of whether I get married or not. If I do choose to do so, it will be with someone who is willing to come on this journey with me.

But recognizing these assumptions around me has got me thinking. Despite my doubts that marriage is something that is still relevant in this day and age, I think about my wedding all of the time. I’m not the only one that does this. Despite the fact that I am single, single, single, with no prospects of anyone I even like a little bit, much less would ever think about marrying, I think about my wedding all the time. My hypothetical, imaginary wedding. And I don’t mean all the time like every waking minute, but I will hear a song that I think is particularly sweet or tender or expressive of what I think love really is or should be and the thought will pop into my head “I want that played at my wedding. I want that played at my reception. That’s what I want my first dance as a married couple to be to.” Or something like that. Now this could be because there are so many weddings going on around me lately, or it could be a natural state of being for a woman that grew up when I did. Marriage is a step you take in life. The natural course of things, like going to college. These are the things we grew up thinking were what we were SUPPOSED to do.

Another example of a part of my imaginary wedding that I think about often is who is going to walk me down the aisle. My father’s existence has recently reared it’s ugly head in my reality again, and has got me thinking. One of the thoughts that frequently popped into my head during my father’s absence, right under “If he died would anybody tell me?” is “Who is going to walk me down the aisle?” Even if my father did make his way back into my life he DEFINITELY WOULD NOT walk me down the aisle. I don’t want to insult my Step-Father by not asking him to do it. He is, for all intents and purposes, my father. He should be the one to do it. He has been the male figure in my life for over fifteen years now. But he doesn’t feel particularly dad-like to me. I don’t have a closeness with this man. I love him, I know he loves me, but I still feel like he’s a stranger in my family, and this saddens me. If I had my druthers I would have my grandfather do it, if he’s still alive whenever my hypothetical wedding takes place. Just because he’s known me my whole life, my step-father hasn’t.

So what does this mean? The fact that as a feminist I am insulted by the idea that marriage should be the ultimate goal of every woman or at least something that every woman wants, and yet there is this fact for the other side with-in myself that are my own private fantasies about my own fake wedding to an imaginary man. Then again, I often imagine my hypothetical wedding, but rarely ever imagine my hypothetical marriage. Who does, really? I mean other than the people who are actually engaged and actually getting married? For the rest of us out there, I don’t know that many that imagine marriage. You know, the parts where you realize the other person farts and poops and has funky toenails and b.o. and morning breath and bad credit. I guess I do have one fantasy about that: about laughing under the covers with someone as we add up our hopeless bank statement and curl or sock feet together. In the little I do imagine about my imaginary marriage there’s a lot of laughter. That’s what I hope for, in the end, in making my life with someone – a whole lot of laughter.

This all brings us to Never the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride. Like I said before, there are a lot of weddings going on around me these days. Lormarev and I drove to Connecticut and back and talked the entire time. One of the many things we talked about was the fact that she’s been asked to be in so many weddings. I laughed then started thinking about all of the weddings that I am involved with. Huh. Now I don’t mind that none of the people that asked Lormarev to be in their wedding asked me to be in theirs. I prefer that, actually. I know these people, and may have been close to them at one point, but I am no longer involved in their lives. However, I started looking at the people I consider to be family who are getting married. There’s this group of us – Anne, Stephanie, Joanna, and I – that at one point hung out all the time. These people are my family. Three of them (the three that aren’t me) are getting married or just got married. Now I understand why Annie didn’t ask me to be in her wedding. It made perfect sense that JoJo and I were invited but weren’t in it. I love her dearly and she is family, but we weren’t as close as she and Stephanie and she and Rachel, so it made perfect sense that they would be in the wedding and not us. As long as I got to be there and be witness and celebrate with them afterwards, I was okay.

Joanna and I had a talk a while ago, before Simon proposed, about our hypothetical weddings. Now understand that I am a part of Joanna’s family. They have adopted me. They care about what happens to me almost as much as my own family. They are my family. However, we discovered that we probably weren’t really going to be able to have bridesmaids because we would end up having – like – 15 of them. I mean think about it – with me – I would have my sister and Torrie, Kat, Anna, Meghan, Lormarev, Emily, Stephanie, JoJo, Annie, Rachel, Ashley, and Shayna. And I’m sure someone else in my family would be insulted if they didn’t get asked. And Joanna would have the majority of those plus Sarah and people in her family. (Also, I’d have to have Jesse as a groomsman or something. Or hell, maybe I’d just make him a bridesmaid to) I am blessed to have so many friends that I deem as close and important to me. But it makes planning a wedding (even a hypothetical one) hard. So Jo said she would probably just have Sarah. And I’m okay with that. She might have more, but at least right now in my head, it makes perfect sense that she didn’t ask me to be one of her bridesmaids. Plus she is getting me to sing her first dance with her dad (something else that I won’t get to have at my hypothetical wedding).

So far, I’m fine.

Then Stephanie didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. I think she might be having me read a sonnet or something, but I haven’t heard anything, so I don’t think that’s going to happen either. I don’t know if this one effected me more because it’s Stephanie, or because there used to be ever so slightly some competition in our group and there’s a little high school girl voice in my head saying “how come Joanna gets to be in the wedding and not me!”, but I think really it’s that this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Really? NO ONE wants me to be in their wedding? NO ONE? Why? Will I mess up the pictures? Am I bad luck? Are you afraid in my clumsiness I will knock over the candles and set the church on fire?

At one time in my life it would have made me question my friendship. During my depression I would get very paranoid that people didn’t like me or were annoyed with me and wouldn’t tell me and so would avoid me and talk about me behind my back. Blame middle school. It’s still something I have to fight against sometimes but it’s not nearly as severe. But at one time I would have thought “Am I not as good a friend as I thought I was? Have I done something wrong? Did I not keep in touch as well as I should have? Was I not there for you sometime when you needed me?”

Understand this is not the way I think now – if for no other reason that I know Stephanie is rolling her eyes and thinking “Okay, Laura, but . . . SERIOUSLY?”

In fact I think that probably Stephanie’s reason is much the same as Joanna’s and my hypothetical one. Too many people that we love and care about and want to be a part of this wonderful time in our lives. So someone had to get cut. And honestly of all the people on that list, it was probably the smartest to cut me. I am the least likely to throw a tantrum or hold a grudge. I will be okay. As long as I get to be there and see my wonderful, beautiful friend take this wonderful, beautiful step with a man she loves and is absolutely perfect for her, I couldn’t be happier. (Although I do really, really, really want to be at the bachelorette party and stuff like that, please)

So here I am. Never a bridesmaid, never a bride. Or maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this is good luck. Maybe it will turn out to be never a bridesmaid, always a bride. Well, no, that implies being a bride multiple times. Maybe never a bridesmaid, ever a bride? Meaning . . . that I’ll get married?

. . . not that I’m even sure if I want to get married . . .

. . . . not that I ever think about getting married . . . you know . . . ever . . .

And for those of you out there who believe that not everyone has the right to get married to the people they love, I leave you with a quote from our president’s inaugural address:

“The time has come . . . to carry forward that precious gift . . . the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.”

“all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.”

“their full measure of happiness.”

And marriage is nothing if not a pursuit of happiness. Maybe it wasn’t always this way. But in this day and age - that’s what marriage is. A pursuit of happiness. Or at least is should be. I think.