Here We Go

Just 'cause my crazy addiction to the Theatre makes me feel a little depleted and a little fabulous all at the same time I thought I'd post the lyrics to Ani Difranco's Freak Show just so ya'll can see where my head is at . . . if my head is anywhere . . .

“life in the circus ain't easy
but the folks on the outside don't know
the tent goes up and the tent comes down
and all that they see is the show
and the ladies on the horses look so pretty
and the lions are lookin real mad
and some of the clowns are happy
and some of the clowns are sad
but underneaththere's another expression
that the makeup isn't making
life under the big top
it's about freedom
it's about faking
there's an art to the laughter
there's a science
and there's a lot of love
and compliance

welcome to the freak show
here we go...

we live to hear the slack-jawed gasping
we live under a halo of held breath
and when the children raise up a giant shield
of laughter, it's like they're fending off death
and we can make something bigger
than anyone of us alone
and then the clowns will take off their makeup
and the people will go home
but life on the outside ain't easy
no sequins, no elephants,
no parading around
yeah, the tent goes up
and the tent comes down
and they're stuck in this fucking town

you need a lot of love and compliance

welcome to the freak show
here we go . . ."

deflate

deflate
and breathe
it's a confusing thing
survival
you can talk about dreams
see them clearly laid out before you
but putting them into action becomes
complicated beyond
imagination
and suddenly
survival becomes a web
you are not sure how you became tangled in
sure - all these dreams are nice -
but I can't even support myself
I can't even get a job
not that I want to
not that kind of job
but how do you find
what is the middle
where am I supposed to . . .
what's left to be done
what's next to be done
and day to day becomes what it is all about.
How did that happen?

forgiveness

I don't think that I'm someone that easily holds grudges. The ones that I do notice clinging to me I try to let go of, I don't want to live my life that way. It's to hard to live life that way. Grudges take attention and energy and drain you.

I know that I will have to forgive my father. I'm not entirely sure that some part of me hasn't already. But does this mean, if I forgive him, that I then have to have him in my life? To me that seems like an even worse drain of energy. Having my father in my life seems like it would make me more unhappy than happy.

There is another person who I know I need to forgive. This person is someone to whom I was feircely loyal for years, someone I looked up to. At one point this person started doing things that to me felt like a slap in the face. Because of my loyalty and love of this person I kept going back, again and again, to get slapped in the face again and again. And then I stopped. Because I figured out I was better than that. My love of this person did not die, but I stopped thinking that I had to put up with the abuse (all of this is figurative, no one actually slapped me). Now this person is coming to me and wanting to be a part of something that I built in defiance of them (I doubt this person knows that's why I built it). I don't know if I can say no to this person. I don't know if I can fit them into my new thing either.

Then there is another person I need to forgive, a friend. Someone who I thought would be my friend forever. This person went through a very hard time a couple of years back and I did everything in my power to help them through it. Instead I got pulled down with this person. This left me scarred. If I forgave this person, I would want to try and rebuild this friendship. But you know what I feel a lot of the time when meeting NEW people? That I already have enough friends. I have lots of them - I am very blessed - and they are wonderful. Is it worth the effort?

And that's what I want to know. I know that not forgiving people is like cancer. It will eat at you and make you bitter and you will fester and rot. But does forgiving, really truly forgiving, completely forgiving someone mean that I have to fit them into my life? If it does, then is it worth the effort?

I don't know.
I don't know yet.

I've been spending a lot of time alone. I don't mind it so much. It's not like before when I was hiding from the world and that was a really bad thing and a really quick way for me to slip deeper and deeper into depression. This is different. This feels more like . . . getting to know myself. I am writing - a lot - I have a ton of ideas. I am working on myself - physically and mentally - I am reading things that I always wanted to read. I am figuring things out - I'm not trying to fix myself. That's what I always said before (when I was in trouble) "I'm going to fix it." I can't fix me. But I am working on myself. I am making discoveries and I am having revelations. Some of these things I don't want to share with anyone. I don't want to give anyone a detailed account of how I'm filling my days or the new goals I have discovered, these new and wonderful things that have brought me peace. I just want to do them. This is going to sound really cheesy - but it's like I'm hybernating, think of me in a cacoon. I will emerge. I don't want people to fully know what I am doing in that cacoon, I just want to appear on the other side of it, and have people see me. Nothing dramatic, I just kind of like not needing to . . . have any other witness to this time in my life but me. It's nice. Also it takes the pressure off. I keep writing Stephanie about these projects I've started and am really stoked about, only to have to realize by the time I write my next letter that I'm no longer interested in those things. But it is really interesting to see which ones are sticking. It's really interesting to see that I am sticking. Me, Laura, Roux, Jernigan. I'm sticking. And that's nice, too. I'm not stuck (well, I am but that's not exactly how it feels right now) I'm not sticking to a place, I'm just . . . allowing myself to . . . be me for a while. And that's nice, too.

So maybe when I come out of this on the other side, maybe when I emerge, maybe when I appear, I will have an answer. An answer to forgiveness. Or maybe I'll just be strong enough to do it, and maybe I'll be ready for whatever the consequences are.

None of this is to say that I don't need forgiveness. That I don't need to be forgiven. I tried to seek forgiveness from my sister for some things in the far distant past the other day. She didn't want to talk about it. She said she didn't remember who did what to whom or how our relationship was then, she just cared that we have a great relationship now. And that shut me up. But then again, I thought, maybe I needed to talk about it. Maybe I needed to hear it. Maybe I need to know. Maybe I need forgivness. I know that whenever I do forgive the people I mentioned about I will be asking them for theirs in return. I know what I am capable of. I know that I need to seek forgiveness.

and that's nice, too.

Never a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride

To all of those people who are getting married or who are recently married and are mentioned in this blog please take this entry with a grain of salt and understand that I wrote it in the utmost of good humor.

I have been watching several shows lately that have been intimating, I would hope ironically or in jest, that people in this society assume that every woman they meet wants to get married. And this wouldn’t bother me SO much as an assumption, however false, except that it seems that they think that ALL a woman wants to do is get married. Not that marriage is A goal, but it is THE goal. The ultimate. As if to say that women might have lesser dreams, but in the end they will have reached their final “yes, thank god” in life once they are married. After that they have no more to aspire to.

Like that Ally McBeal episode where Portia DiRossi’s character shocks two of the men in the office by saying she never wanted to get married. At the time, I think it shocked me, too (oh how much I have learned since then). Of course, what I like about this is that the men seemed to be more shocked because of their own desire for marriage than that it was just something that women were supposed to want. But none the less – this is my point – people think it’s something women are supposed to want.

Now this may have been so at one time, but in this day and age such an assumption seems laughable. I personally don’t know if I want to get married. However I do like the idea of sharing your life with someone, of making your way in life together with someone you love. And get to have sex with. Hopefully a lot. But if I do take a deep look at myself and say – yes – indeed – yes, I would love to get married one day, it’s anything but an ultimate goal. Not to diminish the importance, the magnitude, of marriage. It’s a big deal and should be treated as such. But it’s not all I want to do. It doesn’t burn through every fiber of my being. What does burn through me like a lit unquenchable fire is that I AM GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD. I will do this regardless of whether I get married or not. If I do choose to do so, it will be with someone who is willing to come on this journey with me.

But recognizing these assumptions around me has got me thinking. Despite my doubts that marriage is something that is still relevant in this day and age, I think about my wedding all of the time. I’m not the only one that does this. Despite the fact that I am single, single, single, with no prospects of anyone I even like a little bit, much less would ever think about marrying, I think about my wedding all the time. My hypothetical, imaginary wedding. And I don’t mean all the time like every waking minute, but I will hear a song that I think is particularly sweet or tender or expressive of what I think love really is or should be and the thought will pop into my head “I want that played at my wedding. I want that played at my reception. That’s what I want my first dance as a married couple to be to.” Or something like that. Now this could be because there are so many weddings going on around me lately, or it could be a natural state of being for a woman that grew up when I did. Marriage is a step you take in life. The natural course of things, like going to college. These are the things we grew up thinking were what we were SUPPOSED to do.

Another example of a part of my imaginary wedding that I think about often is who is going to walk me down the aisle. My father’s existence has recently reared it’s ugly head in my reality again, and has got me thinking. One of the thoughts that frequently popped into my head during my father’s absence, right under “If he died would anybody tell me?” is “Who is going to walk me down the aisle?” Even if my father did make his way back into my life he DEFINITELY WOULD NOT walk me down the aisle. I don’t want to insult my Step-Father by not asking him to do it. He is, for all intents and purposes, my father. He should be the one to do it. He has been the male figure in my life for over fifteen years now. But he doesn’t feel particularly dad-like to me. I don’t have a closeness with this man. I love him, I know he loves me, but I still feel like he’s a stranger in my family, and this saddens me. If I had my druthers I would have my grandfather do it, if he’s still alive whenever my hypothetical wedding takes place. Just because he’s known me my whole life, my step-father hasn’t.

So what does this mean? The fact that as a feminist I am insulted by the idea that marriage should be the ultimate goal of every woman or at least something that every woman wants, and yet there is this fact for the other side with-in myself that are my own private fantasies about my own fake wedding to an imaginary man. Then again, I often imagine my hypothetical wedding, but rarely ever imagine my hypothetical marriage. Who does, really? I mean other than the people who are actually engaged and actually getting married? For the rest of us out there, I don’t know that many that imagine marriage. You know, the parts where you realize the other person farts and poops and has funky toenails and b.o. and morning breath and bad credit. I guess I do have one fantasy about that: about laughing under the covers with someone as we add up our hopeless bank statement and curl or sock feet together. In the little I do imagine about my imaginary marriage there’s a lot of laughter. That’s what I hope for, in the end, in making my life with someone – a whole lot of laughter.

This all brings us to Never the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride. Like I said before, there are a lot of weddings going on around me these days. Lormarev and I drove to Connecticut and back and talked the entire time. One of the many things we talked about was the fact that she’s been asked to be in so many weddings. I laughed then started thinking about all of the weddings that I am involved with. Huh. Now I don’t mind that none of the people that asked Lormarev to be in their wedding asked me to be in theirs. I prefer that, actually. I know these people, and may have been close to them at one point, but I am no longer involved in their lives. However, I started looking at the people I consider to be family who are getting married. There’s this group of us – Anne, Stephanie, Joanna, and I – that at one point hung out all the time. These people are my family. Three of them (the three that aren’t me) are getting married or just got married. Now I understand why Annie didn’t ask me to be in her wedding. It made perfect sense that JoJo and I were invited but weren’t in it. I love her dearly and she is family, but we weren’t as close as she and Stephanie and she and Rachel, so it made perfect sense that they would be in the wedding and not us. As long as I got to be there and be witness and celebrate with them afterwards, I was okay.

Joanna and I had a talk a while ago, before Simon proposed, about our hypothetical weddings. Now understand that I am a part of Joanna’s family. They have adopted me. They care about what happens to me almost as much as my own family. They are my family. However, we discovered that we probably weren’t really going to be able to have bridesmaids because we would end up having – like – 15 of them. I mean think about it – with me – I would have my sister and Torrie, Kat, Anna, Meghan, Lormarev, Emily, Stephanie, JoJo, Annie, Rachel, Ashley, and Shayna. And I’m sure someone else in my family would be insulted if they didn’t get asked. And Joanna would have the majority of those plus Sarah and people in her family. (Also, I’d have to have Jesse as a groomsman or something. Or hell, maybe I’d just make him a bridesmaid to) I am blessed to have so many friends that I deem as close and important to me. But it makes planning a wedding (even a hypothetical one) hard. So Jo said she would probably just have Sarah. And I’m okay with that. She might have more, but at least right now in my head, it makes perfect sense that she didn’t ask me to be one of her bridesmaids. Plus she is getting me to sing her first dance with her dad (something else that I won’t get to have at my hypothetical wedding).

So far, I’m fine.

Then Stephanie didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. I think she might be having me read a sonnet or something, but I haven’t heard anything, so I don’t think that’s going to happen either. I don’t know if this one effected me more because it’s Stephanie, or because there used to be ever so slightly some competition in our group and there’s a little high school girl voice in my head saying “how come Joanna gets to be in the wedding and not me!”, but I think really it’s that this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Really? NO ONE wants me to be in their wedding? NO ONE? Why? Will I mess up the pictures? Am I bad luck? Are you afraid in my clumsiness I will knock over the candles and set the church on fire?

At one time in my life it would have made me question my friendship. During my depression I would get very paranoid that people didn’t like me or were annoyed with me and wouldn’t tell me and so would avoid me and talk about me behind my back. Blame middle school. It’s still something I have to fight against sometimes but it’s not nearly as severe. But at one time I would have thought “Am I not as good a friend as I thought I was? Have I done something wrong? Did I not keep in touch as well as I should have? Was I not there for you sometime when you needed me?”

Understand this is not the way I think now – if for no other reason that I know Stephanie is rolling her eyes and thinking “Okay, Laura, but . . . SERIOUSLY?”

In fact I think that probably Stephanie’s reason is much the same as Joanna’s and my hypothetical one. Too many people that we love and care about and want to be a part of this wonderful time in our lives. So someone had to get cut. And honestly of all the people on that list, it was probably the smartest to cut me. I am the least likely to throw a tantrum or hold a grudge. I will be okay. As long as I get to be there and see my wonderful, beautiful friend take this wonderful, beautiful step with a man she loves and is absolutely perfect for her, I couldn’t be happier. (Although I do really, really, really want to be at the bachelorette party and stuff like that, please)

So here I am. Never a bridesmaid, never a bride. Or maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this is good luck. Maybe it will turn out to be never a bridesmaid, always a bride. Well, no, that implies being a bride multiple times. Maybe never a bridesmaid, ever a bride? Meaning . . . that I’ll get married?

. . . not that I’m even sure if I want to get married . . .

. . . . not that I ever think about getting married . . . you know . . . ever . . .

And for those of you out there who believe that not everyone has the right to get married to the people they love, I leave you with a quote from our president’s inaugural address:

“The time has come . . . to carry forward that precious gift . . . the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.”

“all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.”

“their full measure of happiness.”

And marriage is nothing if not a pursuit of happiness. Maybe it wasn’t always this way. But in this day and age - that’s what marriage is. A pursuit of happiness. Or at least is should be. I think.