Challenge 200

So, my dear readers, I had abandoned you for a while. I was a little at a loss as to what to say. My life was mainly work and drinking. Which was fine. It was great, actually, I love my life. To recap I have been here almost 2 years now and I’ve done 3 shows.
1) The Best Christmas Pageant Ever- South East Tour
2) Henry V – Kill Mike Use, NYC
3) The Tempest – The Tempest Ladies, NYC

And, sad to say, I had until recently only gone to one audition and that was for Adam’s Henry V, so it hardly accounts. Auditioning for friends doesn’t really count.

In these 2 years I have gone through phases of submitting myself for things. When you sign up on Back Stage they send you daily alerts with lists of auditions for those types of show that you specifically are looking for. Most of the auditions for non-union straight plays are by appointment only. This means if you want to go to these auditions you have to “submit” yourself by sending in your headshot and resume. Usually this is done through e-mail but sometimes you have to snail mail your materials in. If the company is interested they will get back to you and give you an appointment to come audition. So in the 2 years that I’ve been here every 3 or 4 months I get on a big kick and submit myself for as many things as I can every day. Then I’ll fall behind and it’ll be a few months before I get around to submitting myself again. Even in this lackadaisical way, I’ve probably sent out hundreds of submissions. I’ve only ever gotten 2 positive responses. It feels a little bit like your just e-mailing into the great void and no one is actually looking at these things. The first response was from a Shakespeare company that later reneged and told me they had filled all their spots. The other was for last Monday for a kitschy off Broadway show.

So last Monday I went to my first real, true blue, NY audition and I fell on my face. Metaphorically, I fell on my face. But it’s okay, it’s still a good thing. Because I went to the audition. I have broken the seal. Now let’s open the flood gates. Get back on the horse and keep trying, hopefully each time it’ll get a little easier.
(I don’t normally rely on so many clichés in my writing.)
Afterwards I sent my friend Adam a text telling him how embarrassed I was. His response was “now go to 200 more” meaning that by 200 I wouldn’t be nervous anymore. I have decided to take this as a challenge.

I’ve been trying to find a way to make auditioning a game, a way to take the pressure off. If I make my goal “go to 200 auditions” instead of thinking of each one as the chance of a lifetime, it’ll make the whole process a little less horrific and easier on the nerves.

It’s been the plan for a while. Become an “audition whore”. Let’s really get the ball rolling on this thing and see what happens. Also I’ve been thinking about grad school a lot lately and the only way to get myself ready for that audition is to get as much experience auditioning as I can.

I have proven to myself that I can survive, I can take care of myself, I can be (for the most part) independent, and I can do it in this big ass, crazy, and yes even a little scary, city. It’s time for the next step. I’ve been feeling that way for a little while. It’s time for the next thing, the next part of my life to begin. And the next part of my life will be – professional auditioner.

So- The Challenge is . . . . 200 Auditions. I’m going to say a year. There are going to be some days where there are no auditions or I’m out of town. So 365 to do 200 auditions seems feasible. What prize do I win at the end? Hopefully a little more self confidence in this professional aspect of my chosen career. And maybe, just maybe, along the way there might also be a job.

I have now been to 2 auditions. The first one, as I told you did not go so well. For all of those who are thinking about coming to NY and don’t know what to do when you get here, or for those that are here and are still trying to figure this out, let me illuminate things for you.

When you get an appointment, sometimes they might ask you to come in with a monologue or two and/or sometimes they might give you sides. I was given sides. This means that they sent me a couple of pages of the script that highlighted the particular character I was auditioning for. These particular sides were really easy, about 5 lines each, with no more than a sentence per line. I memorized them almost immediately.

It wasn’t the auditioning that made me nervous so much as the unknown. I was told to be there at 12pm. Was I going to be the only person there auditioning at that time, or were several people going to be in that time slot? What was the audition room going to look like? How many people was I auditioning in front of? Were members of the cast going to be there to read the other lines? Were other people that were auditioning going to read the other lines of the sides with me? Were the other lines just going to be read by one of the people holding the audition? If so, was I supposed to look at them and be in the scene with them, or was I supposed to look over their heads? Or at an imaginary person on stage with me? Was I going to be on a stage or was it just going to be a room? Do I dress the part or dress professional? Was I supposed to memorize the lines? Should I hold the sides in my hand even if I have it memorized? Is there someone I’m supposed to check in with when I get there? Do I sign in or something? Is there someone I’m supposed to give my headshot and resume to, or do I give it to the people in the room? These are all the unknowns I was looking at, and then some.

So I get there and it turns out several people are auditioning during that time slot. There were other girls obviously auditioning for the same character as me, and a couple guys who were all auditioning for the same character as each other. After a few minutes I finally ask the guy who was sitting behind a table and telling people who is next in the order of auditions if I’m supposed to check in with him. Turns out I was. He was also the one I gave my headshot and resume to. None of that was so bad, it’s always kind of fun to see who amongst your fellow auditioners are chatty, who is shy, who decides to warm up, that sort of thing. I was actually in a really good mood. I was just so happy to be there. I was at an audition! I had made it. I had shown up! Miracle! It wasn’t until right before I went in that I got nervous. Because I still had no idea what to do. I still had no idea what the room looked like or who was in there or where I was supposed to stand.

Finally the guy I gave my headshot to, the audition monitor, if you will, said it was my turn, but he came in the room with me because he needed to give the people the next batch of resumes. Finally I see the inside of the room and it’s a very small theatre with 3 people sitting in the front row. I assume I’m supposed to go on stage but I get jammed up standing awkwardly behind the guy handing them the new batch of headshots. One of the women motions me onto the stage, I awkwardly get up there and stand. The woman asked me something that I couldn’t hear over the kafuffle with the headshots, and when I didn’t answer she raised her eyebrows and asked again in a louder voice that made it clear she was slightly offended I hadn’t answered her. She was asking how I was today. I think I said GREAT, and then most likely forgot to ask how all of them were doing. She said great and then told me which side she wanted me to do and to start when I was ready. I said okay and then did not take the time I really needed to gather myself and started. I could not get those freaking easy lines out of my mouth in the right order to save my life. Then I was supposed to sing a hymn they asked me to prepare, it’s a Catholic Hymn, and as I’m Protestant I had really never been exposed to that particular song much. I thought I had it down though. But as soon as they asked me to sing a section of it the melody flew out of my head and I warbled tunelessly for entirely too long. Finally I stopped, they said thank you for coming, I think I mumbled Thanks back, and then practically ran out of the room.

Embarrassing, right? But now I know. I know a little bit more what to expect and it won’t be so hard next time.


So #2 was that same week and it was at the . . . dun, dun, DUN . . . Equity building. The Equity building is on 46th in between 7th and 6th avenue, and since that’s my area of town it makes it even sadder that I had never set foot inside this building.

I should probably explain that this audition was an EPA, and I should probably explain what an EPA is. EPA mean Equity Principal Audition. That means this audition is for Equity members. Non Equity people can show up and sign up for an audition (put their name down on a list) but that doesn’t mean that you’ll actually get to audition, or as we in the “biz” call it, it doesn’t mean that you’ll “get seen”.
Here’s what I knew about the Equity Building before I went to the audition. I knew that non equity people were not allowed to wait in the Equity lounge or use the Equity bathrooms. We have to go to McDonald’s or the Time Square Visitor Center if we want to use the bathroom. In my head, with the stories that I’ve been told, I actually thought that I was going to be waiting in a line outside the building. I thought I would go inside to sign up for the auditions but that I wasn’t actually allowed to wait inside. I had come prepared with a giant bottle of water, peanuts, and sun screen. It turned out not to be as bad as all that.

But when you walk in, especially when you have no idea what you’re doing, it’s still a little intimidating. You walk in the building and all visitors have to be announced so they make you look in this little camera and say your name, and then you can go upstairs. I didn’t know there was an actual stair case that you were allowed to use so I took the elevator, which is stupid because it’s one floor up. But it’s a good thing I did because otherwise I would have gotten really lost.

So you get off at the second floor, there’s this doorway, and in front of you is a little desk behind a window almost like you would see at a doctor’s office. But it doesn’t have any sign on it saying what it is for, or what function the person sitting behind the window serves. To your right is a small desk with a person sitting behind it guarding what appears to be a very large waiting room. I figured that was probably the Equity lounge that I wasn’t allowed in to. In front of you is a board that has signs on it that say what auditions are happening and what room they are in. To your left is a hallway with a bunch of benches lining the walls, and that hallway leads to the staircase (ah, there it is!). So I spent a couple minutes walking up and down that hallway trying to figure out what I was supposed to do. I mean, there was a sign that said what room the auditions I was going to was in, was I supposed to go sign up at that room? If so, I couldn’t seem to find the room, and there were no signs pointing the way. Finally I decided that the nice looking woman sitting behind the desk guarding the Equity lounge was probably the Equity Monitor, and that the Equity Monitor would probably know what the hell I was supposed to do. So I walked up to her and told her that it was my first time, what I was there for, that I was non-eq and didn’t know what to do. She was very nice. She told me that behind me (I hadn’t thought to look at that wall!) was the non-eq sign up sheet for the different auditions happening. She didn’t know for sure if they would be seeing non-eq people today, but she would be updated throughout the day. After I signed in I could wait on the benches in the hallway. So easy. And a lot more comfortable than I thought it would be. I can wait on a bench in an air conditioned building for as long as you want me to. And everyone else sitting with you is non-eq and in the same plight that you are, so everyone is very nice to each other and if you need to make the trek to the bathroom and want to leave your stuff, the person on the bench next to you will watch your stuff. It really wasn’t so bad at all.

However I would like to talk about a little AUDITION ETIQUETTE. This is not for the actually audition, when you get into the room, this is for when you are waiting with your fellow actors. One of these things I learned in like middle school chorus and another I just thought was common sense.

The girl sitting on the bench to my left did what a lot of women do when they go to auditions, they brought a change of clothes. This is smart, especially in the summer when you’re going to soak through your clothes just walking to the audition. So she changed into her clothes and did her makeup at the bench beside me. I don’t care about that. What I do care about is the fact that she decided to put lotion on her legs. She was in a knee length skirt, she didn’t want her legs to look ashy, fine, I don’t give a damn. I care that she used SCENTED lotion. And I mean strongly scented lotion. And sense I was sitting next to her it was almost over powering. That’s just rude, rude, rude! Not to mention the fact that when I was in high school doing shows at RLT we couldn’t wear fragrances when we performed because one of the other girls was allergic to that sort of thing.

And then, that same girl, sat with her headphones in and hummed tunelessly the whole time. If you’re there to audition for a musical, which she was, go ahead and warm up. I would rather you belt scales next to me then lightly hum nothing in particular in no particular key for 5 hours straight! Ugh! Rude. So I recommend not doing that when you go to an audition.

So, other than, that, how did the audition go? It didn’t. A little before noon the guy came out and said they definitely wouldn’t be seeing non-eqs before lunch, and to come back at 2pm. So I went home, got some lunch, bought my midnight Harry Potter tickets, and came back at 2pm. At about 2:30pm the guy came back out and announced that they would not be seeing any non-eq people that day. So I went a killed time walking around and at Starbucks till I had to be at work. Oh well, them’s the brakes. Am I still counting this as an audition even though I didn’t get seen? You bet. Why? 90% is showing up, and I showed up. Also, I learned a whole lot, so that was helpful.


#3 ~ 2 diff auditions turn into one, be nice to the equity monitor, everyone is nice, is this my stapler?, extra copies of head shots and resumes, and don’t be afraid to move the chair (that moment of extra time)

This past Monday I had 2 different auditions I was going to go to. One was an EPA at the Equity building, the other was about ten blocks away at a theatre near Penn Station. My friend Emily had been staying with me for the weekend and was heading back to Boston at around 10am that morning, her bus was leaving from near Penn Station. So I decided to go to that one and sign up first, we’d go early and after I’d signed up we’d get some food and I would leave her in the right place for her bus to pick her up. So we did that, I left, decided it was too hot to walk the 10 blocks, and took the subway to the Equity building. I got there, I walked in, I saw the sign saying that they were not seeing any non-eq people, turned around and walked right back out. I got back to Penn in time to see Emily on to her bus and then went back to the other audition.

Now, when I went in at 9am to sign up I asked the Equity Monitor, lovely gentleman, if he knew if they were seeing non-eqs today, he said he didn’t know yet but to check back after 10am. Well I got there at, like, 10:15 and not only were they seeing Non-Eqs but they had passed me on the list. Well, that was a welcome surprise. He just signed me up at the bottom of the list, which was only a few names past where they were when I got there, so it wasn’t that bad. I ended up waiting till about 12:30, maybe a bit before, then a group of about 5 or 6 of us was called to wait outside of the door to the audition room, then one by one we went in.

So what I learned this time is – BE NICE TO THE EQUITY MONITOR. This should be a no brainer, and Adam’s told me before that the people you are audition for will talk to the Equity Monitor afterwards to see if the people they want to hire are divas. There was an older woman there who was giving the guy a hard time and it was just unnecessary.

I also learned that you should always bring more than one headshot. The backstage listing just said we should bring one, but when I got there the Equity monitor was asking if people had two. Now I was lucky, I had 3 already prepared (as in stapled together and everything) because I thought I was going to that other audition. Regardless of which I always carry around a whole bunch of resumes and the very few headshots I have printed whenever I go to an audition. You just never know what’s going to happen. And it seemed like several people had some extra copies that weren’t stapled together, and the girl sitting next to me just happened to have a stapler with her, and she willingly shared it with everyone. But there were several people who really just had one with them. Now they can’t be penalized for that as they were told they only needed one, but let this be a lesson to you – ALWAYS BRING EXTRA COPIES OF YOUR HEADSHOT AND RESUME STAPLED TOGETHER.

Then, of course, there was the actual audition itself, which went much better. This was a “prepare a 1-2 minute monologue” sort of deal. So I have my handful of contemporary and handful of classical monologues that I’ve been doing for years. This already means I’m much more comfortable, because I know these monologues. It’s not just that I’m confident in the memorization, it’s that I know the acting is there. I know that these monologues are varied and layered, that I can hit each beat and each moment and each change of thought and hit it well. I know it’s a good presentation. I also love the material, a lot, which always shows through (I think). However, the nerves were still there. I still wasn’t exactly sure how it was supposed to work, see. But this is how it went down – I went in and signed up. About 20-30 minutes before a group of people go back to audition he calls out the names of the people who will be in their group and ask for their headshots and resumes. Then he tells you it’s time to go back, and calls out the names in the order you should go in. Then you go to the hallway in front of the room where you audition and wait some more.

That’s when the nerves happened. What I decided to do this time, instead of fighting against the nerves, was let the nerves happen. When I was in college and had really bad anxiety attacks my friend Stephanie would tell me to just let them happen. She had just gone through a similar period in life, and told me that if you just let the panic attack happen, then it was over and you could move on. So that’s what I decided to do with the nerves. There were a couple more people before me so I just stood up straight, stared at the wall, took a deep breath and let the nerves have me. I acknowledged the nerves, I let them happen, I breathed through them, and then they went away. It’s similar to the way I deal with ghosts.

Then I went in to the room and I was still nervous, but this was a familiar set up. It just a room, there was a table and 3 people were sitting behind it. There was a chair in front of the table, too, kind of in the middle of the room. I was glad to see this, it was something I had been wondering about. One of my monologues requires a chair and at all of the competitions and conferences I’ve gone to, and most of the auditions, they provide you with a chair in case you need it, but I didn’t know if they did such a thing in NY. I didn’t need it for this particular monologue, and I was so excited to be in the room that I didn’t think to move the darn thing, and ended up kind of performing around it, which was a little awkward. The overall audition went well. The greeting were exchanged, they confirmed my name, and asked what I would be doing for them, I told them, took my moment and started. They even laughed at my piece, but the other thing I learned (or reminded myself) was DON’T BE AFRAID TO MOVE THE CHAIR. I mean it was in the middle of the room, or my performance space, and I didn’t need to use it, I should have moved it. Plus, it’s another chance for interaction with the people behind the table, another small moment with them, and that can’t hurt. Taking the moment to say “Is it all right if I move this?” Shows them I’m charming and polite and gives me one more opportunity to flash them my pretty smile. It also shows them that I’m an actor who is aware of my space. So next time I’m going to move the chair.

So every time I go I learn something. Can’t wait to see what happens with #4.

Inside the artist's head - more scraps of paper

So here are some more scraps of paper. Most of them probably won't make sense to anybody but me (they're not supposed to) - and they are all extremely unrefined thoughts. But I thought they were interesting. Anytime there's a page break it means that we have moved on to a different scrap of paper. Some of these will be used as future full length actually thought out blogs:

Things from my family – I wish that I had my Aunt Susan’s gumption. That ability to have never met a stranger. To make friends with anyone. I don’t usually have trouble making friends – but she has the ability for instant friend rapport with anybody.

___________

Be Aggressive, B. E. Aggressive!
Or really, be assertive should be the title, but not as catchy as the well known cheer.
So I want to have a little talk about confidence and self-esteem and the way it manifests in women as well as me as an individual.
Where to start . . . hmmm . . . me. The me I am in my established environment and the me I am in new environments.
So I’ve known for years now, through my various psychology, sociology, cognitive perception, human communication, and theatre training classes – that women largely walk through life feeling as if they have to apologize for being assertive/aggressive, or even sometimes for existing. We must be quiet and small, we must (there’s where I stopped).

_____________________________

Now I have nothing to write. Weird.

________________________________

Not only am I, for the first time, just barely, on my own and supporting myself, BUT this is my first time living away from home. Everyone else went away for college, I stayed. A lot of people went away after college. I stayed. Sure I’ve been away before, 3 months at the most, but I’ve never actually moved away from home and lived in a different state before. Technically I’m in a whole different part of the country. South to the North, baby. (All though some people might argue whether or not NC is truly southern. It may not be DEEP south like Mississippi, but it is still very much The South.)

____________________________

Working Halloween has been my favorite day so far at Wicked because I got to wear the witch hat.

_______________________________

Idea – washerwomen
Lyrical
Rhythm of labor
Being same/similar to lyrical – “simplest verbal vesture of an instant of emotion” – pg.216 A Portrait of The Artist
We start with a cry that projects as mood – the mood of one person “the artist” in “the artist’s” imagination we see them create other worlds and we see the personality of the artist reflected in the rhythms of the world or the cries of individuals with in the world.

_____________________


Now the joy begins
I feel a sudden movement
From deep with in
A sudden jolt
A frantic stirring
To struggle off
Shuffle off this
Sloth
This
Leprous
Leisure
This stillness
This unquiet peace
This violent stillness
I want
Suddenly
On a whim
To be done with
And stretch out of this
Husk of sedentary life
I have been sedate

______________________

New favorite Stacey Jaxx quote – “Everybody says Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, but I’d rather Come On Ilene.”

_________________________

I was listening to Billie Holiday just now and heard the song “strange fruit” for the first time and I got really angry. I’m not sure why. Well, yes I am. Because the fact that such things really happened is just . . . just appalling. The thought of it alone brings me to the brink of tears. And then my thoughts went on to the fact that there are people in the world who would think that I would not be able to fully feel the outrageousness of the situation or couldn’t possibly be truly outraged because I couldn’t identify with the victims because I myself am not a minority. So then I got into a fictional fight in my head with a fictional person in a fictional situation. It went something like this:
People say I cannot be as outraged, I cannot understand because I am not, I have not experienced life as a –
But I am outraged as a human being – and on behalf of human beings. How dare you say that I cannot identify? I identify with all of humanity regardless of what that humanity looks like, and esp. regardless of what that humanity looks like in comparison to me.
Just as the equality of women will not be found in the subjugation of men, just as the objectification of women will not end with the objectification of men, so too will outrages against humanity not end if we only allow certain parts of humanity feel outraged.
These are not the kinds of level playing fields I want to tread, for fear of tripping on the rudimentary straw patches in the road.

____________________________________

Slipping verses under doors, sentences, letters – real and fictional, scraps of thought – idea from Portrait of the Artist

___________________________________________

Need to write about weekend with girls – magic.
Hanging out with Adam – setting up the rest of Backstage.

_______________________________________________

That stuff you saved on your computer.


__________________________________________

Write about tour and decision making process.

____________________________________

Ask who that chick with the ukulele and the video was


__________________________________

Write about music – lack of
Plenty of “Got to get out of Raleigh music”, but haven’t found my happy to be in NY music.

_______________________________

(This one is about the version of Orpheus and Eurydice I’m currently toying with)
Need to make Orpheus’ fall into love more difficult? Make him oblivious? Moody at his not achieving her? Or should his sending of songs on the wind continue to be hopeful and innocent.
Perfect love? Is there such a thing? How do we identify if it’s not HUMAN love? Imperfect – or perfect in its imperfections.

____________________________________

I feel like I need to revisit HERO. There’s something brewing there.

_______________________________________

This is a letter I started to write to Stephanie during Eleemosynary rehearsals.

Dear Stephanie,
You know the saying “the more things change – the more things stay the same”? Boy, am I ever feeling it these days.
In life there are setbacks, there are always going to be. I have suffered some setbacks lately. Which is interesting when you feel like you’re only inching forward. But none the less – setbacks. Some of them were in my control and some weren’t, such as SETC-a setback both in and out of my control. No jobs – through SETC or otherwise. I could probably do more in the “otherwise” category, but none the less, once you put yourself out there, once you fill out the application or send your resume, it’s out of your hands. My hands. But that’s the stuff you know.
I’ve thought about you a lot after SETC. About loving the word “NO” about thriving on rejection. Its times like that when I am glad I have such an insightful friend in my life.
Regardless it’s my reaction to these setbacks that are interesting to me. The initial reaction is always panic. But it used to be that I would live in that panic, every second of every day feeling like the world was going to end. People wonder why depressives (meaning people who are depressed – is that a word?) Sleep all day. It’s because it’s exhausting.
So I still feel the initial panic, I think everyone does, but now it’s followed by a calm. The world keeps going. Isn’t that amazing? There are always more options, there are always more opportunities. The end has not come.
I WILL SURVIE (commence singing here)
So I think this means I am . . . getting better, growing up . . . I don’t know, but I think it’s a good thing.
Then, last night, the strangest thing happened. I’m in rehearsal for this show called Eleemosynary. Maggie Rasnick is playing my grandmother which is awesome, and this wonderful woman named Susannah Hough is playing my mother. Last night Susannah was having a bad night, and things got a little teary, so I gave her a big hug and told her, honestly, that I thought she was a truly fantastic woman. She said she felt the same way about me and THEN she said “You’re just so poised and . . . perfect. I wasn’t at your age.” And I laughed and said it was all a façade. Because it is. On the inside I feel like I’m filled with panic and consuming fire (not good fire). The more I thought about it the more I was astounded that she chose those 2 words. The last 2 words I would EVER use to describe myself. Poised is the exact opposite of what I feel I am and Perfect is something I try very hard NOT to be. I spent too many years trying to be perfect. What a waste. It’s an impossible endeavor that can never fulfill a human being. I revoke it – no, I reject it - with both hands.
But still – I am absolutely touched that this is how she sees me. I don’t know what this means I just felt like sharing.
This show – these past 2 nights of (and here is where it ended. But I picked it back up with a different thought on a different page)

I’ve been doing things lately that I have a huge fear of doing. I stand there before and during thinking “why the hell am I doing this?” and I have fully realized visuals in my head of saying “screw this. No, no, no, no, no, I’m sorry, I can’t.” and leaving with smoke behind me. But I do them. I face them. And afterwards I am left with this ridiculous calm. Very Zen, like I could face anything.
And I can.
I can play a crazy, cruel, half naked woman. I can play a 16 year old. I can stand that close to Sean, and I can sing in front of all those people.
So it stands to reason that if I can do all of those things then I can get a job, save money, and move to NY. I can do that. Watch me.


__________________

To Do-
• Apply to grad schools – which ones, how much does it cost and how do I get there
• How much would winter stint at Shakes and Co. cost? How long?

______________________

Ideas – Cabaret for this generation fighting on the front lines more to life than just surviving – we’re having fun but we’re getting tired - that Patty Griffin song.

_______________________

Show for Jesse – trapped in the basement

___________________

Research busking license in NYC.

___________________

New York Visitor
Paint the town Red, White, and Blue
Best Bagels H&H
Zabars Deli
Dakota’s 3rd Ave.
Circle line 3 hour tour
TBI Actors Studio.com

Thanks for setting us back 50 years! #2

Just some stuff that's been on my mind lately - another back up blog

This time last year I was helping build an exhibit at the North Carolina State Fair for Bill Brown. This guy Andy (not Hayworth) was my boss, in charge of the building and everything. He’s a nice guy but within the first day or two it became very clear to me that he was a sexist. I don’t think he knew it or did it intentionally, and it’s not like he was a pig, there were just these little things. Like this guy, who is a large guy, a little bit taller than me and a lot . . . rounder than me, looks at me on the first day and says that he doesn’t think I should be the one to shimmy underneath the platforms and toenail them together.

“Why not?” I asked, and he – red faced – said “how do I put this delicately, I think that your bosom might get in the way”. This coming from a man with terrible knees and back whose belly protrudes much farther than my “bosom”. After listening to him complain for ten minutes I asked to please, please, be the one to shimmy under the platforms and I did just fine. Well, I got stumped for a moment because the cordless drill was on reverse and he swore to me that this particular screw gun did not have a reverse button, but that was so not my fault. Later he started giggling at me after I muttered “righty tight-y, lefty loose-y” under my breath. Once again I asked him Why, and his response was that men never used that saying, it was just and instinctual thing. Uh-huh. I have since overheard things that have proven this theory untrue. In fact I hadn’t thought about any of this until just now when I saw a man on TV use the saying and got suddenly angry all over again.

Once again I was watching TV today and saw a washing machine commercial and a better homes and gardens commercial that once again pushed us back 50 years.
Last summer at my internship my boss, Gabe, asked me on one of my first days if I would make a sign for him. I said “sure, but I have terrible handwriting” Deborah, his boss, laughed and said that was everyone in the office, and Gabe had this adorable moment where he went “that was really wrong of me. I guess I shouldn’t assume you have pretty handwriting just because you’re a girl” and I was just blown away. Sexism for handwriting - it can get us in the smallest ways.

I don’t know what got a hold of me that I wanted to write about this all of a sudden, but I all of the sudden felt the need to get this out. I’m used to men not thinking I can pick things up, and being surprised because I am, in fact, freakishly strong. But I also went to an all women’s college where no one would have dared question my skills with a screw gun and no one was surprised that I have the handwriting of a serial killer.

I have no ending for this blog.

backup blog #1

I have a lot to write about, another whole Backstage Blog and lots of updates on how I'm running my actor life as well as my personal life (the latter won't entail much as I'm broke so mostly I'm not doing anything).

But while I'm gathering the rest of my thoughts and doing the rest of my research on these things I thought I'd give you all a few back-up blogs to entartain you while you wait.

This first one is about the subway (again) -
Good Subway/Bad Subway

Good Subway – Sometimes it feels magical, my very own TARDIS. I sit down, I read a book, a little while later I look up and am at my destination, the doors open magically and I simply step off and I am where I need to be.

Bad Subway – It’s ridiculous that I have to leave an hour and a half early to make sure I get to my job on time when we only travel about 8 miles. 8 miles! If I were driving in Raleigh 8 miles would take me 8 minutes! And the MTA is ridiculous when it comes to construction. There is always some construction somewhere, there is always some train not running when you need it, or running on the wrong line. And nothing ever actually seems to get fixed. I have heard several people say on several occasions that it’s not the terrorist that are going to blow up the subways in NY, it’s some poor soul who lives and works here and has been so screwed over by the MTA that they just . . . Can’t . . . TAKE IT ANYMORE!

Good Subway – Where else but a NYC subway can a train pull up next to you, the doors open, and in the frame of the doorway on the train a beautiful boy sits on a little stool playing the cello, on the train, beautifully? And then a few minutes later when you’re on the train and the doors open and people walk in, probably going to or coming from an early Halloween party, dressed as a dead bride with a fake baby hanging out of her stomach? Or on Halloween itself sitting back with your roommate while riding home on the train delighted to find out who or what would be getting on the train next! (I don't want to talk about the gramatical mistakes made in the previous senteces. Or how some of them aren't even actaully sentences.)

Bad Subway – I was walking out the other day and in the corner a giant person was sitting, asleep, with their pant legs rolled up. I look at the legs and they literally looked as if they were rotting off. And I didn’t know what to do. What do I do in that situation? Is there someone I should call? Surely there must be someone I can call, someone to report this to so they can get this person some help! Limbs should not be rotting off in the subway!

tour the apartment

Backstage.com pt 2

So I just finished posting my resume on Backstage. Yes, I went through the entire 10 page process, and it's up. I really don't know what that means - I think casting directors can now see me in a search. Which is cool. I didn't upload a head shot, though. The ones Maureen took are too large to upload to the website and I can make them smaller but I would have to download this thing, and it just seems like a lot - especially since Curtis has promised that my headshots will be in the mail any day now and his come along with smaller versions so . . . yes - celebrating each accomplishment, no matter how small - I finished posting my resume on Backstage.com. YAY!

I still have to fill out a cover letter and a bunch of other stuff, as well as setting up my own search guidelines so they will automatically tell me which auditions are up for my "type" (ugh, I hate that word, I refuse to be hemmed in by "type", my talent exceeds any "type"). And then, you know, comes the actually looking and setting up auditions and you know, actually going to them. But man oh man, I am making my way there. Even if I'm crawling, I will make my way there.

So, wide eyed young actor tip # twenty something (I'm sure it's twenty something by now) - Do all this before you get here.
But if you're like me and it takes all you have in you just to get here, so you don't do it before hand - I would suggest finding someone who has done this already, looking at their set up, and have them sit with you and walk you through it. There are things on there like "put a short (2 sentence) discription of yourself" for the resume portion. Now, they have an example for that one, but mine seems awfully similar to the example and it would be nice to look at some other people's to see what they said. I'm sure you can do that on the site - and I will eventually and tell you all about it. But also there are things you have to do like label your pictures with concise, accurate discriptions. I mean, other than "headshot" how would you describe these pictures? I have no idea. But once again, I will find out and tell you all about it.

Also, there is some information on the site that helps walk you through what to do, but man they don't make it easy to find.

Once again, let us celebrate each accomplishment, each time we cross something off of the to do list. I, Laura Bess Jernigan, now have an official resume on Backstage.com. I am an actor in New York City looking for work, and now people that are hiring actors in NYC can find me. That is ridiculously cool.

overwhelming

okay so finally subscribed to Backstage (thank you, thank you, thank you to my wonderful mother for getting me a 6 months subscription as an early Christmas present), but, man, let me tell you, the online site is overwhelming. I think they need to get a new web designer or something because there is so much going on just on the home page that I don't know what to look at or where to go first.
They should have a very clean home page with very clear and concise choices as to what you want to view. And also there should really be an entire section merely called "getting started" which lists the first thing you should do - like the first thing you should do is fill out the resume form so your info is online and then check out the listings for the things you're interested in and then . . .
That at least is the path that I am going to try. Although the whole overwhelming aspect of it had me terrified and just staring at the page for like 15 minutes at least. And I started filling out the resume portion and - gah! - it's like 10 pages of all the stuff that you, and I, and everyone else HATES filling out. I mean just HATE. If it was just, you know: name, age, height - and then cut and paste your resume info. that would be fine. Simple. Easy. No, I have to come up with all new and creative ways to describe myself to the theatrical community, and that's just the 3rd question!
Gah!
I know, it's not really that big of a thing and really not that hard and I should just bite the bullet and get it over with, but - well, maybe I'll just whine a few more minutes . . .